Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
