my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
