clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
