ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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