Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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