now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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