your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
