I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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