Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I have so many feelings about this burrito
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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