Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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