Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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