finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
