Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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