you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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