Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
