So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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