you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
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Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
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Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
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