I showed him my bush... on skype.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
