We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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