all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
