im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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