You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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