I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
