who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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