when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
