The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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