Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
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i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
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one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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