Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
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They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
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I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize