my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I think I won the penis lottery.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
