so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
