Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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