if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
