life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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