I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
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I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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