I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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