and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
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