the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
