he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
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I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize