Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Randomize
