don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
