also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
