I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
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Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
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I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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