I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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