there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
