I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
