He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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