I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
