May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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