I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
