I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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