I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Randomize
