I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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