Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Randomize
