At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
