I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
