Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Soap is not a condiment
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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