yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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