I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
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She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
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I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
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