You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
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Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
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The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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